


The Greatest Pumpkin There Ever Was

by Actual_Writing_Trashcan



Series: Colossus Hyperfixation Collection [23]
Category: Deadpool (Movieverse), X-Men - All Media Types
Genre: (@ the person who said that to me in a comment once you know who you are and i love you), BUT I STILL LOVE IT, Domestic Fluff, Fluff, I SAID IT WAS POINTLESS OKAY, Like, Multi, Pumpkin carving, The End, There's no plot, This is pointless, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, also, and i'm SALTY, basically no warnings, but i digress, highkey this might be shitty but I LOVE IT SO SHUT UP, how many ways can i say fluff, i didn't get to carve a pumpkin this year, like i can't think of any, the T rating is for language, this is just fluffy, unsurprisingly, you carve a pumpkin for the first time, your heart will melt out your ass
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-01
Updated: 2018-11-01
Packaged: 2019-08-13 21:43:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,577
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16480298
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Actual_Writing_Trashcan/pseuds/Actual_Writing_Trashcan
Summary: You carve a pumpkin for the first time --first with the students at Xavier's, then with the X-Force.That's it.No plot, maximum fluff. Just how I like it.(Set right around "THIS IS HALLOWEEN." All warnings in the tags.)





	The Greatest Pumpkin There Ever Was

**Author's Note:**

> What, early update? What is this?
> 
> I wanted this to come out on Halloween, so I released it on Halloween. Next fic will be out on *next* Friday, not this Friday.
> 
> Also, I'm doing NaNoWriMo this year. I should have enough Piotr fics stockpiled to see me through November, but if one towards the end of November comes out extra shitty, it's because I didn't have enough and I had to bang out a quick one during NaNo.

“Okay, so --theoretically--how many pumpkins can I get?”

You’re standing in the middle of a pumpkin patch, eyeing the selection of giant orange gourds around you.

Granted, you’re there to get pumpkins for the students at Xavier’s --and for the X-Force, at Wade’s insistence--but you still want to carve as many pumpkins for  _yourself_  as possible.

Piotr, your boyfriend, simply crosses his arms over his chest and shakes his head. “We have to be able to fit them in car,  _myshka_ ,” he says with a chuckle. “And we have to keep it affordable.”

“So, what, that’s like twenty? Thirty? Come on give me a number here.”

“And how, exactly, do you plan on carving thirty pumpkins?”

“With a knife. Duh.”

He laughs and shakes his head again. “You can have  _two_  to yourself.”

You gape. “Two? How am I supposed to enjoy myself with just  _two_  pumpkins?”

“Take it from someone who has done this before,” Piotr says as he picks up an absurdly large pumpkin with an equally absurd amount of ease. “It’s more work than you think.”

You fake-pout but start picking out pumpkins anyway. “I’m not entirely sure I believe you, but alright.”

 

* * *

 

As always, at Xavier’s, students come first.

White plastic folding tables are assembled en masse on the massive back lawn and covered with old newspapers. Garbage cans are lined with bags and set at the ends of every table. Seats are placed around the tables and pumpkins are set in front of each seat. Sharpie markers litter the table, and teachers are out in abundance to help the younger kids with the actual carving process.

You grin as you watch the kids scramble for a seat and start drawing faces on the surfaces of the gourds. “I gotta admit, this is pretty amazing.”

Piotr nods, briefly stopping his efforts in helping Sasha and Katya to grin up at you. “We take care of our kids here.”

“Have you ever carved a pumpkin before, Miss Y/N?” Timothy asks as he draws a fanged face onto the surface of his pumpkin with the utmost of concentration.

“I haven’t,” you admit. “This’ll be my first year doing it.”

“How have you not carved a pumpkin before? Everyone carves pumpkins.”

“ _Nyet_ ,” Sasha pipes up as she and her sister work on their pumpkin together. “Western Halloween is banned back home.”

“Okay, but Miss Y/N is American. She didn’t grow up in one of the orphanages. She  _should’ve_  carved pumpkins before this.”

You purse your lips together as Piotr starts lecturing Timothy on politeness and diverse experiences. “My parents didn’t let me do stuff like this growing up.”

“Well, that’s dumb.” He looks up at you and grins. “You should do one with us!”

The other students cheer and start begging you to join them.

“I don’t know,” you say over the chorus of ‘please’s and ‘you should’s. “I’m supposed to help you guys...”

“Pumpkin time!” Timothy chants, banging his fists against the table. “Pumpkin time! Pumpkin time!”

Soon enough, the rest of the students are caught up in the excitement, pounding on the tables and making the spoons and knives with plastic orange handles skitter everywhere.

“Enough!” Piotr shouts, just loud enough to pierce through the din, when he has to dodge a knife that would’ve hit his face. “Calm down, please.” He smiles fondly at you, then says “I will get pumpkin for Miss Y/N.”

You can’t help but smile as the kids cheer as Piotr heads inside, then cheer louder when he reemerges with a pumpkin in tow.  _I love it here_.

 

* * *

 

You’re in the middle of making yourself a sandwich when Wade sprints into the kitchen and slams a massive pumpkin on the counter.

“It’s pumpkin carving time!”

“We already did that, Douchepool,” Ellie deadpans from the next room over. “Two days ago.”

“Okay, but that was for the students!” Wade whines. “This is for team bonding!”

“I am not spending another hour to carve a fucking useless gourd that will rot to shit in two weeks.”

“Language, NTW,” Piotr admonishes as he lays old newspaper pieces on the table.  “And you already agreed to do this.”

“We could do one together!” Yukio says, batting her eyelashes at her girlfriend until she relents.

“Fine.”

“Excellent! Glad we’re all settled! Now, we just need the stabbing implements!”

You nearly choke on your sandwich as Wade pulls out his katanas and sets them next to his pumpkin. “Are you serious?”

“They’re swords! They’re literally meant to slice things!”

“No,” Piotr interjects, frustration evident on his face. “Absolutely not. That would be incredibly dangerous!”

You lean back against the counter and continue eating your sandwich.  _This is gonna take a while_.

 

* * *

 

**Fifteen minutes later.**

Pumpkins: Ready.

Sandwich: Gone.

Argument: Still going.

You lean in next to Ellie as you watch Piotr and Wade argue. “Chips on who’s winning?”

“Neena’s already bet on Wade,” Ellie says as she films the fight on her phone. “No one else is willing to go against her.”

You snort. “Fair enough.”

“Give me one good reason, Long John Silver, why I can’t use my katanas to carve my pumpkins! One!”

“It’s dangerous.”

“Newsflash! Knives are dangerous too! I’ve stabbed more than enough people to prove that!” Then, while your boyfriend’s distracted by trying to breathe through the aneurysm Wade’s undoubtedly giving him, Wade takes the opportunity to stab one of his katanas through a pumpkin, effectively claiming it as his. “Oh, would you look at that! You’re too late to stop me!”

Piotr visibly rolls his eyes and counts to ten, then points at Nathan. “If he hurts himself, you’re cleaning it up.”

Nathan smirks. “So, standard operating procedures, then.”

You grin as Piotr mutters something in Russian under his breath. “Isn’t it always?”

 

* * *

 

Halfway into the designing process you’re struck by an idea. A wonderful idea. A devious idea. A potentially horrible idea.

You wait until Piotr’s very intensely occupied by the process of working on the design for his own pumpkin --he’s still in the drawing stage, ever the perfectionist--then slip your phone out of your pocket.

_You: If you can carve a dick into your pumpkin without Piotr noticing, I’ll buy you a pizza_.

**Bro: W da money i gave u, rite?**

_You: Do you want the pizza or not?_

**Bro: Hells yeah! Prepare 2 fork it over!!!**

You stifle a giggle and slip your phone back into your pocket just as Piotr looks up.  _Oh, this is gonna be good_.

 

* * *

 

Watching Wade continually escalate his methods of keeping Piotr --or just about anyone other than Nate--from seeing his pumpkin is one of the best things you’ve ever witnessed in your whole life.

He starts cornering himself off on the table, away from everyone else. He gives various excuses when asked about the sudden secrecy, ranging from his pumpkin being “shy” to him suddenly having developed an allergy to sharing close quarters with other people.

You can tell Piotr’s starting to get suspicious of Wade when the merc claims that his pumpkin --which he’s named Dick, not subtle  _at all, Wade_ \--needs to remain unseen until the very end for very specific and obscure religious reasons, so you slip out your phone again.

_You: Dude!!! You’re supposed to be doing this as a secret, not as a performance act!!!_

**Bro: Hey, u nvr said how i had 2 do this in da 1st place XP dont critik da master itz r00d.**

_You: You know no one texts like that anymore, right?_

**Bro: fuk u**

 

* * *

 

In the end --somehow--Wade manages to avoid getting caught. You all carry your pumpkins outside to arrange them with the pumpkins carved by the students and pose for picture after picture with them.

Russel is declared the unanimous winner for his brilliant ‘skull-surrounded-by-flames’ design, which the teen absolutely does not --read as  _absolutely does_ \--preen over.

“You did very excellent job with this,” Piotr praises the pyrokinetic adolescent. “The dimensions on the skull are very good; the flames look very realistic as well.”

“Mad Ghost Rider vibes, dude,” Wade adds. “So cool.”

As you head inside, your phone vibrates in your pocket.

**Bro: U owe me a pizza!!!1!**

_You: Congrats, man. Piotr’s gonna kick your ass when he goes outside tomorrow and sees the LITERAL PENIS carved in a pumpkin._

**Bro: >:O U trolled me!**

_You: Succkkkkkeeeerrrrrr_.

 

* * *

 

Unfortunately for Wade, he doesn’t even get until tomorrow.

You’re snuggled up with Piotr on the rec room couch, admiring the pictures you’d taken earlier, when it happens.

He breaks off mid-sentence and stares at the screen of your phone. He blinks, does a double-take, and peers closer, almost disbelieving. His mouth pulls into a grimace and he growls, kisses the top of your head, and lurches off the couch. “Wade!”

You laugh --then outright cackle when you take a closer look at the picture and realize that you missed something earlier as well.

Sitting right next to Wade’s penis pumpkin, aimed directly at the camera, is a pumpkin with a hand flipping the bird and the words “Fuck the man” carved into it.

It’s Nathan’s pumpkin, no less.

You wipe tears away from your eyes and twist around on the couch so you can watch Piotr rant about appropriateness while Wade argues back and Nathan watches the merc with fondness in his eyes and a smirk on his lips.

It’s official. Pumpkin carving is the best.


End file.
